Here it comes, a better version of me...

I'll try and make this quick, brevity is not my strength. I tend to follow tangents and ramble, but I'm going to try my best to get to the point.

2014. A new year. A blank canvass. 365 days, each and every single one given to me with the purpose of making something fantastic. I've been given 40 of these. Each one I've wasted. I've let things distract me from the path I am supposed to be on. Exactly what that path is, I have no idea. 2014 is all about figuring that out.

I've had so many false starts, and I've gotten excited about things, but never saw them through. I have a lot of obstacles. Some are as big as mountains. Some can be kicked out of the way, my problem is seeing the difference between the two. I'm sure it's happened to you, something you have been dreading, turns out not to be nearly as bad as you'd built it up in your head. That is how my brain normally functions.

In 2013, I was told by yet another doctor, I am what they call bipolar type 2. Basically, I have the severe depression without as many instances of mania. Sometimes I wish I were more manic. I get things accomplished when I'm manic. Of course, once the wave of depression comes back, I'm right back to square one. It's very frustrating, not just for me, but for those who actually care about me.

The bipolar and anxiety are the reasons for a lot of the frustrating things I do. I have little to no self-motivation. Just opening my eyes is sometimes all the effort I can muster. I could leave the house to take a walk, get some fresh air, but what if something happens when I'm gone? I'm safe in bed. Under the covers. Where nothing happens. Nothing. Happens. No good. No bad. Just nothing.

And since I lost my job in September, this has become my life. I'm not living. I want to live. But, living scares me. Living takes work. Living means fighting.

I do not want this to continue to be the case. Somehow, I'm going to need to really dig deep and find some inner strength and really punch this bipolar madness in the face. Imagine me, a fallen warrior, bloodied and battered and worse for the wear. Broken and tortured, my demons gleefully celebrating their victory in keeping me down. But, just when you think I'm about to draw my last breath, I stand up on my shaky legs, and scream my battle cry, wield my swords and start actually fighting back. For the first time. They will not get the best of me. Not any more.

And there are so many battles I've yet to fight. This year, will be about winning the war.

I'm telling you this, because I want you all to know, I'm not giving up. I need you all there. But, I must warn you. This is a fight I must fight alone. You cannot fight for me. You cannot even fight with me. I just need you to know I'm fighting. And I need you to be rooting for me.

One of my promises to myself is to start writing again, and part of that will be a chronicle of my struggles. Some of you will suggest it's all for attention, and you may be right, but why does that have to be a bad thing? I don't want your pity and I'm not trying to shock anyone. I just need you to know what I'm going through, so that maybe you'll understand. And if you don't totally understand, maybe you can relate. Perhaps, it can also help someone else, fighting their own battle. Because, I think in some ways, we are all fighting.

So, I wish you all a happy new year.

Let's all demand what we want.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3fgasDM5090